HM

And if you do happen to make loads of money out of your show, please remember the old school, St Kevin’s.

RONNIE

Yes, of course we will. Now, first of all the there’s the main character. He’s a boy, good looking, really handsome, talented and slim. And because of that there’s a girl who really fancies him like mad.

TOOTSIE

Well actually she doesn’t really fancy him that much. She’s so beautiful and attractive and has such a gorgeous figure and a bright, bubbly personality (Tootsie makes two handed fan gesture over her face) that she could actually have any boy that she wanted actually.

(She glares at Ronnie)

GARRY

Yes. Now the main boy and girl fall in love and then something goes wrong and they fall out of love.

RONNIE

And then the hero rescues the girl from a very dangerous situation and she falls madly back in love with him

TOOTSIE (getting agitated)

Well actually the girl feels sorry for him because he makes a right mess of trying to save her and actually, she saves him.

RONNIE (getting agitated, confronts Tootsie)

No, no. It’s not like that.

MILLIE (coming between Ronnie and Tootsie)

Well anyway in the end they both fall in love all over again.

GARRY

And they all live happily ever after.

MR C

Is that it?

MILLIE

Well err, we are still developing some aspects of the story line.

MR C

Let’s hope so

MILLIE

Now there are lots of other characters and there are lots of songs.

GARRY

And we want everybody to sing. So let’s try some singing now and in case it gets too noisy and we need some order, we’ve got this hooter. It sounds like this… (Tootsie presses hooter)

HM

That’s about what my singing voice is like.

RONNIE

Who would like to be first to audition for a singing part

MR C (runs forward daintily and sings)

Me me me me.

MILLIE

Ah yes. The first person to sing for us will be the outdoor activities master of our school, Mr Camp.

MR C

Fwankly I think your wubbishy show is going to be tewibble twipe but I will twy and wescue it with my MAGNIFICENT singing voice. I have alweady given the music to the orchestwa. It is a MARVELLOUS work of my own composition entitled, ‘You can’t do this without me‘. (to band) Maestwo!

SONG - THE AUDITIONS - MR CAMP

(Mr C snaps fingers to the band and parades up and down stage, hand poised on hip reading words from a pile of papers in other hand.)

Mr C (he sings)

My stylishness is pawamount, my acting is supweme

At singing and song witing………………

(Mr Camp gets papers in a mess)

HM

You’re a right old queen! (band stops)

MR C (flustered)

Order ! Order!

Where were we? Oh yes (to band) Maestwo (snaps fingers.

Mr Camp parades up and down in similar fashion as before)

I am the finest, singer in the world

There’s no one who can wival me

(Mr Camp again gets papers in a mess)

HM
Cos you’re a great big girl!

(band carries on with basic tune)

MR C
Oh weally!

(He sings)

I’ll be the star, the star of the show

You are mere beginners and you will mess it up

Just let me at it and I’ll show you who’s in charge,

Oh you can’t do this without me, oh no, you can’t do this without me .

(Band stops. Mr C continues singing)

Me me me me me.

MILLIE

Yes thank you Mr Camp. That’s very nice.

(M.G.T.R. briefly consult one another)

RONNIE

Ok Mr Camp. You can have the part of the good fairy.

MR C

Well, so long as it’s a suitably starwing wole, I don’t mind.

MILLIE

Now the next part to audition for is the head of the school. It could be male or female.

MR B

Ah yes. Now that’s the part for me.

HM

But you are only the music master. You can’t audition for the part of the head of the school. That’s for me.

Mr B

So? This is just a play. Anyway I’d have made a much better head of the school than you.

HM

Head of the school? You? You cheeky - (Tootsie presses hooter

You couldn’t organise a - (Tootsie presses hooter twice) in a brewery

(Tootsie looks away innocently)

MR B

Yes I could! Yes I could!

MILLIE

Yes. Thank you very much. I’m sure we’re all dying to hear you sing.

MR B

Yes. Quite right.

MILLIE

So….the next person to sing for us will be the music master, Mr Bumnote.

MR B

Thank you. I have such a superb voice that I shall sing acapello.

HM

Acapello? I’ve never heard of that song. Have you, Campy?

Is it by Robbie Williams?

MR B

Oh! Acapello means I shall be singing on my own

HM

State of your voice, I’m not surprised.

MR B

My song is called 'I am the Greatest'.

SONG - THE AUDITIONS - MR BUMNOTE

(Mr B sings)

I am the greatest, just you wait and see

My drama is superlative, my dancing wild and free

I’m a greater impresario than that silly Mr Camp

And you can fit my talent on…..(he stretches his arms wide open)

HM

A little postage stamp

RONNIE

Yes lovely. Thank you. Now who would like to be next?

M CMBT

Excusez moi. Eet ees time for me to let you hear my wonderful seengeeng voice.

TOOTSIE

Ah yes. We can now hear from the French master of our school, Monsieur Camembert

M CMBT

Orchestra. S’il vous plaites.

SONG - THE AUDITIONS - M CMBT

(Band plays in typically French style)

Once zere was a great opera singer (points to himself)

Who lived in gay Paree

Fame and fortune were his

It was him all ze girls wanted to marry

(Music stops. M.G.T.R. briefly consult one another)

RONNIE

Yes that’s very nice M Cmbt. You can have the part of the

wicked witch.

M CMBT

What! Sacre bleu! Zut alors! Menage a trios!

(Currant and Bunn cough nervously to attract Tootsie’s attention)

TOOTSIE

Ah! The two cooks, Currant and Bunn. Wouldn’t you two like to be in the musical?

CURRANT

Wwell, it wwould b be a bbit ddifficult, ccos I sstammer, and Bunn gets her wwords mmuddled.

BUNN

Merds wuddled.

MILLIE

No matter. I’m sure we can find some suitable parts for you

CURRANT

Oh ththat’ll be wwonderful

BUNN

Yes. That’ll we bunderful!

MILLIE (to Mr C, Mr B and M Cmbt)

OK. Before we move on to hear some of the pupils sing, could we hear you three singing together. You have the words on your sheets

(Band plays introduction. Same tune as ‘Stars of the Show’ at end of act 1 scene 1. During the song the three teachers try to out do one another)

M CMBT

I’ll be ze star of ze show. I’m going to be so famous, Wherever I go.

MR CI’ll be the star of the show. I’ll be on evwy pwime time TV show

MR BI’ll have agents around me. The fans will all surround me

M CMBT
Ze ladies will adore me. Ze starring role is for me

MR C

My Chauffeur, will dwive me, in gold plated cars

HM

You’re a bunch of prima donnas, And you’ll fall on your - (Tootsie presses hooter, looks away innocently)

MR C, M CMBT AND MR B

I’m gonna be the star of the show

M CMBT

Just me

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