M.G.T.R. = Millie, Garry, Tootsie and Ronnie

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ACT 1 SCENE 1 THE WILD WOOD

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FGM

Our story begins in a wooded thicket

VKA

We're here in this tree on a sticky wicket

FGM

The wicked witch did cast a spell

On us and locked us in this cell

We've been in here for a thousand years

VKA

We've got no tele and we're bored to tears.

FGM

We ought to introduce ourselves

To all these lovely people here.

We keep the company of elves

(she points out elves with her hand through a hole in the tree trunk)

And other magic folk, and we're

The fairy godmother, that's me

And this is my assistant, Verrouka

VKA

Thank you. If it's all the same

You could have told them that my name

Was Dame of [LOCAL PLACE] Grange

FGM

You twit

VKA

Or something with a ring to it

FGM

I'll introduce you to our friends

They come from where the rainbow ends

Elves shrug shoulders, look annoyed / frustrated)

They've tried to help don't get me wrong

They do their best but they're not that strong

VKA (to elves)

Never mind. It's time you told

The people what you do

We'll pick a beat that's nice and steady

(band starts introduction to song)

That sounds ok. (to elves) Are you ready?

SONG - IT AIN'T NO HELP BEING AN ELF

(JUKEBOX ON PAGE 1 - TRACKS 1 AND 2)

ELVES (sing with suitable choreography)

We got cheeky grins, sweet little smiles

We got chubby cheeks, cute little eyes

We got pea green tights, buttons and bows

We got little bells, on our toes

But it ain't no help, being an elf

(elves pull on holes in tree)

When you can't get two ladies out of a tree

We can dance, and act like a loon

We can do a moonwalk on the moon

We can look sweet, we can look pretty

We're cool in the country and hot in the city

But it ain't no help, being an elf

(elves pull on holes in tree)

When you can't get two ladies out of a tree

We've tried and we've tried and we always fail

When the weather is calm and when it's blowing a gale

It ain't no help, being an elf

(elves pull on holes in tree)

Don't try this yourself it's no good for your health

It ain't no help, being an elf

When you can't get two ladies out of a tree

During next few speeches elves mime the story told by Fgm and Vka)

FGM

We once did roam these lands afree

Banishing tears and misery

Doing good wherever we went

VKA

No wonder that your wand got bent.

FGM

We flew upon the backs of two

Great golden eagles ever true

They always were to one another

All their lives they stayed together.

Their names were Aramides and Xanthea

From underneath their widespread wings

Did shine the light of golden love and joy.

Above these lands we'd fly and bring

New hope to troubled girls and boys.

We blessed the children, soothed their fears,

And when they cried, we dried their tears.

We cracked our jokes, we brought them laughter.

I was daft

VKA

And I was dafter

FGM

The eagles' light did onward lead

To those in need of our good deeds

VKA

We could hear a cry from far

From those who were frightened of the dark

And we would always hasten to

A child in need of a dream come true

FGM

But my dear sister who like me

Was a powerful fairy

Did not like the happy sound

Of joyful children playing round

VKA

And over time she did become

A wicked witch with her hair in a bun.

This awful person, her dear sister

Grew irritable like a blister.

She was envious and made a fuss.

She hated all these happy days.

One night she had a fit of rage

FGM

She cursed me and my comrade here

Into this wooden prison.

And our beloved eagle, Aramides

She turned into stone.

Our other eagle, Xanthea

Escaped. We know not where she's flown.

And ever since the wicked witch

For all these years brings gloom and tears

To all the dear children

VKA

We must gain freedom from this plight

So we can start to set things right.

FGM AND VKA (in mock despair)

Oooooooooooooooh!

VKA

But a twist of fate might make our day

A group of youths is coming this way

They're from the local school, St Kevin's

They're oddballs as a rule (sudden crash of thunder) great heavens!

They came in here to find some shelter

From this storm, a right old belter.

(to the elves)

Come on you lot you'd better scarper

And don't go drinking the band's lager

(elves exit stage right)

FGM

Now I need to concentrate

And if I can, regenerate

What's left of my dwindling magic power

To bring lightning from this mighty shower.

VKA

The thunder rumbles all around

We need a flash (Vka points through a hole in the tree to a member of the audience)

Not you, sir, sit down

(M.G.T.R. argument begins off stage left)

MILLIE

It's your fault we got caught in this storm

GARRY

No it isn't.

TOOTSIE

It was your idea so we wouldn't have to do cross country

RONNIE

You're the one always trying to get out of games lessons

(M.G.T.R. enter stage left in PE kit)

MILLIE

We're in a right mess now

GARRY

We'll get lost in here

TOOTSIE

No one will know where we are

RONNIE

We'll have nothing to eat for weeks but dead lizards

M.G.T.R.

Aaaaaahhhh

(M.G.T.R. look around anxiously)

MILLIE

Do you think we'll be safe here?

GARRY

I hope so. It's quite a scary storm.

TOOTSIE

So this is what they call the wild wood. I've never been in here before.

RONNIE

Neither have I. Let's shelter by this old tree.

(M.G.T.R. huddle round base of tree. Fgm and Vka look down on them)

TOOTSIE

It feels strange, almost like we are being watched

MILLIE

Hey, we'd better keep away from the tree in case it gets struck by lightning

TOOTSIE

Yes. Let's sit on that log

Pupils fall backwards off log, stay behind it and look at tree, scared)

MILLIE

Wow. That was close. The lightning hit the tree. We'd better get out of here.(they turn to exit left)

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